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I know that I have caused so much heartache, not just lately, but for the longest time. I have been such a burden to you because I have always thought more about myself, my insecurities and my freedom, thinking that it's just the right thing to do since I'm the one who loved more.

Never did I realized that it was you all the time who has invested more in all of this. I only loved you because you have endured me after all these years, but you – you loved me more even if I have been too self-centered and selfish for the most part. You loved me without question nor prejudice, you gave me everything just to pull me up from my insecurities, offered me both hands just because I stubbornly complained when it was just one.

You did not complain before, but my endless harassment and tantrums gave way to a new nature. You started to level with my cruelty to the point of you asking me to set free.

I assumed you wanted everything to be over, I assumed you wanted to be free. Yet, with every denial, with every disapproval you simply nodded with silent submission. You would hold me again and cry silently while I turn my deaf ear and smile; convincing myself that you were smiling too.

But deep inside I know that it was all over for you. My strength has simply kept you shut, my dominance just over your ego. I kept doing everything that satisfied my confidence, filled my insecurities and weaknesses. Not realizing that truth will eventually unmask itself, and this truth will eventually kill your spirit.

It was inevitable: truth always finds ways of unveiling itself – creatively sometimes – but the inevitability will never be uncalled for by the unfaithful. I hurt you again, extremely. The guilt is so overwhelming that it consumed me slowly, yet with precision, like a worm on a leaf. The idea of losing you, since it was at last your final reason to let me go, was a like a pebble in my shoe.

Yet you came back. You did not humble yourself, no. You made yourself as priceless as a gem in a mountain cold. You still gave you heart to someone as unlovable like me. You gave a gift to someone who doesn't deserve to recieve anything, especially love. A gift, I will always treasure for the rest of my years.

You still love me. I still do too. Not the same as the first few months and years, but much more! You still offered me your faithful love despite my faithlessness and self love. You did not pull back your hands but started looking for other things to offer to seal the deal again.

You simply asked for my affirmations and promises; things that other people who have been through what you have been will not normally ask for. You really do love me. Loving you back will be easier, yet for someone with a guilt-laden shoulder like mine, will be much more of a challenge.

I will love you for the rest of my life.

I will carry you again like I used to. You have proven to me that the years we have spent together, albeit mostly hard and quarrelsome, have impacted you so much that you have treasured them. I

 will be right here with you till the days of youth have withered and the dusk of age crawls through our lives.

I will hold you endlessly and embrace you in times of sun and rain.

I will keep you warm in days of winter and run with you in summer. I

 will sing you songs till fall you deaf through time and age.

I will write you stories to make you remember the olden days when we were young and read them to you in the days when memories have involuntarily crept out of your mind.

And I will assure you, everyday, that your love is repaid, that nothing is wasted, nothing is exhausted.

 

 

I won't stop 'til I get through. I know that with everything that we have just went through, you have covered yourself with an unwanted shield of paranoia and suspicion. But I will find a way.

I will find a way.

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Orly S. Agawin

The author Orly S. Agawin

Orly has been writing for The Jellicle Blog since 2008. He is a training and development consultant by day and an art enthusiast by night. He lives in Parañaque with his mom.

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