Gusto ko munang mag-tagalog ngayon. ung hindi muna sumunod sa rules and standards ng pagsusulat. para naman malaya kong sabihin kung ano ba talagang gusto kong sabihin. kahit english major ako, masarap makipagusap kung sariling wika ang gagamitin kapag matters of the heart na.
Ang tagal na namin. 6 years. estudyante pa kami, kami na. fourth year ako, second year siya. kaibigan ko lang siya before – actually di pa nga – kasama ko lang sa gay org namin sa school. never did i plan to spend the next six years with him. basta ang alam ko na lang, nung natapos ung isa, napansin ko na siya. napansin din nya ko, hanggang sabay na kaming nagkapansinan.
When we started, it was magical. we gave our love to each other, shared our time and unite our dreams. we made ambitious plans and committed life long promises. forever pa nga!
We celebrated our anniversary last week. Six years na! ang yabang ko. pero di ko na alam kung siya din. sa nakaraang mga taon ilang beses kaming nagkasakitan. pero mas madalas siya ang talo. ako ang winner. everytime i'll do something hurtful, he'll be forgiving, understanding and enduring. kung hindi dahil sa kanya hindi kami aabot ng anim na taon – for sure yan.
I broke all the promises i gave. i only realized it a few days after our anniversary. nung nahuli na ko – BIGTIME! masyado ko na siyang sinasaktan. nawala na lahat ng mga pangako ko, inaapakan ko pa siya! gusto nyang i-confirm lahat wala na kong mukhang maiharap. alam kong galit siya, alam kong hanggang dito na lang.
But we were able to talk. he made a way to still communicate with me. i told him that i don't have the face to talk to him after what i did. i cannot face his anger, his remorse for what he found out. sanay na ko sa galit nya, pero alam kong ito ang pinaka-TODO sa lahat.
And then he told me it was not anger – it was sadness and the lost of hope that made him want to talk to me.
Un ang pinaka hindi ko kinaya. for the last 6 years ng pag-aaway, ito ang hindi ko kayang i-handle. of all the things that i remembered promising him, it was making him happy and never allowing to see him sad.
And I recalled his promise before – sinabi nya sa akin na ako na raw ang nakikita nyang makakasama habang buhay. he's still keeping it, kahit ganong kasakit!
That was the greatest slap! I forgot all my promises before but i managed to maintain this one promise. I realized how selfish I was and cruel. I cried myself driving back home.
Love makes no promises. Indeed. Promises are just words to someone as selfish as me, but our 6th year anniversary fiasco reminded me that promises are our roots. Kelangang balikan, gawin, alalahanin, pagyamanin.
Mahal na mahal kita be!